Will This Ever End?  The Five A’s of Grieving

During one of the most traumatic events of one’s life, the death of a loved one leaves behind feelings of despair, insufficiency, loss of direction, and loneliness.  Often, people who are grieving start to question their ability to handle these feelings and ask, Will This Ever End? How Will I Cope With This? or What Do I Do Now? 

            Ask for help.  For many people, asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness.  People have feelings of “I am strong enough to handle this" or “I’m an intelligent person, and I don’t need any help.”  The problem with coping with the death of someone is the fact that we are so inexperienced in these matters.  Seek out the professionals—it’s OK.  Visit your clergy, a therapist, colleagues, counseling groups, etc.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness—it is a sign of strength. 

            Accept the help of others.  During this difficult time, many people simply do not know how to interact with the person who has experienced the loss.  Many people provide “actions” rather than words because the outward showing of emotion may be difficult.  Let people help you with the mundane tasks of living—cleaning, cooking, driving, etc.  In their own way, they are showing their concern—let them. 

            Allow yourself to grieve in your own way.  There are no set guidelines on how to grieve.  If there was a guidebook, the process would be much easier.  Grieving is affected by many factors—the type of death, the age of the person left behind, and the age of the deceased, to name a few.  Take your own time—grieve in your own way. 

            Acknowledge your feelings.  During this time, you will run the full gamut of emotions, including guilt.  If you know these feelings are going to happen, you will be able to handle them more readily.  It is not uncommon to feel guilty about outliving someone, to feel relief that someone is no longer suffering and you are no longer suffering for them, or to feel anger at the uncontrollable nature of life.  These feelings are all part and parcel of the process; you are not the first person to have these feelings—they are universal. 

            Admit the need to take care of yourself.  While you are experiencing what may be one of the most difficult parts of your life, be sure to take care of yourself.  If you are physically run down, the grieving process can be even more stressful.  Proper nutrition, sleep, exercise and activity are even more important during these times.  Similarly, don’t isolate yourself.  Yet, don’t over-compensate by over-committing.  Staying busy is important, but over-exerting yourself tends to physically and emotionally run down a person.  Get physical and emotional rest—it’s part of the recovery process.